making me feel so pretty....

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 20:34:55 GMT

Things haven’t been going well so far. In retrospect, I should’ve saw all of this coming. In the past few weeks several things have happened to me.

1- Andy has moved in, pretended to be someone he’s not, gotten into an argument with me and moved out again.
2- Went to the hospital with Michael, got diagnosed and am now on several types of medication that make it feel as if I am either floating in the clouds or all of the weight of the world is on my back. Aren’t those Uppers and Downers?
3- Met Paul while drunk in the park. Don’t remember much, though. He said he met a nice boy and was living with him now, but I think I got angry and slapped him for some reason. I wish I could remember.
4- Woken up in an alley twice while Michael was out during the middle of the night.

I think I just need to clear my head. I’m going for a walk.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 00:52:54 GMT

Everything is blurry. Everything hurts. I don’t know where I am, but there’s nothing by lights over my head and IV lines inside of my arm. Where am I? Who…who am I?

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 18:46:27 GMT

*curls up behind the bookcase in the library, crying softly* I miss Aggats.

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 03:34:12 GMT

When I was walking around the Park yesterday I realized that I was wearing Paul's tie from the first time I had met him. I don't know what happened anymore. I...I just miss my best friend.

Thu, 11 May 2006 01:57:55 GMT

I remember a long time ago that I told Alex that I was supposed to remember something that he said so that way every time he would get angry at me and we would argue I could reflect back on it and tell him that I loved him and that nothing mattered.

What happened to it?

Mon, 01 May 2006 01:57:49 GMT

it hurts so much to breathe. like something is choking me. drowning me. it won't go away.i think i lost anders again.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 23:12:38 GMT

When I woke up this morning I was under the bed clutching Anders, the same spot Alex was when he first came here, minus the bear. How long has he been here, a few months? And look how everything has changed. Glenn and Bob are engaged. Paul is in love. Michael's just a wreck. Jacqui's beautiful and lovely, and I'm so happy she has a decent friend like Rita to follow around. If they're smart, they wont end up like us. No.

Today is Alex's birthday and last night I couldn't find anything to buy him, so I figured that the best thing I could give him I already did. And then I thought for a second. There was this book I read a while ago, called the Master and Margarita, and it reminded me so much of him when I re-read it a few days ago. I think he'd like it, the whole good vs. evil thing. But, I don't want to go near him. I'm being stupid and now I found out that Michael likes me as well?

I can't handle this, I can't hurt anyone else anymore.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 21:55:26 GMT

Bob makes me want to throw myself into the bathroom and take a dozen pills, but then I'd be just as stupid as he is.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 21:45:32 GMT

I'm afraid to go to sleep because last time I did I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air. But when I woke up I reached under my pillow and clutched the letter. It's my only hope now.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 22:05:26 GMT

La, la la, la la, la la la la...laaa...laaahhh....ahh...

That's the tune I have in my head. That's the tune that won't go away. All day I've been humming this tune, and I dunno why. It won't go away. I saw dad yesterday. It wasn't fun. It was painful. I think these pills are driving me crazy.

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 16:06:28 GMT

When I woke up my nose was bleeding, so that basically explains why I was having trouble breathing at night. Me and Alex are over. Well, it's never really over, is it? And he took Anders from me as well, so I'm not getting out of the bed unless I have to. I miss my best friends. I wish Paul would talk to me like he used to.

Well...

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 15:48:16 GMT

Jaqui got me a teddy bear a few days ago, and it looks like Alex. So I called him Anders, which is odd, but you know if you put Alex and then Ander together you get Alexander. Alex and I talked for a bit after I ran to the train station to stop him from leaving. But that didn't end well. I think he just did it to hurt me again. He still tastes like blood when I kiss him. But that's another story. I'm inside the library typing this because everyone seems to be at the dorm right now and I can't stand looking at any of them. I think Paul is inside of the hospital, or so I heard. But...at the moment, I just don't seem to care about anyone.

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:34:16 GMT

I went down to the Park where me and Paul had first met. It made me feel a tad better, but there’s something happening that I can’t put my finger on. Ever since I met Alex my body has been in shut down mode, almost, it’s as if every time I walk, talk, think and breathe it sends a painful jolt of pain through my body. I’m not going to say I love him, because I don’t and I know he doesn’t love me, hell, barely cares for me for that matter. But that’s okay. Or at least, I wish it’s okay. I laid inside of the bed after he left the dorm for 3 hours straight in the darkness, just….not doing anything. And it felt so good to just feel nothing for a change, you know? Bloody fucking amazing. Beautiful, almost. But I heard that Alex is leaving, and the clarity that I once had is now gone. So now I’m back inside of dorm room, cradling myself and thinking things I know I shouldn’t. I won’t act upon these thoughts, if I did, I’d be no better than Paul is.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:01:10 GMT

Alex is the most fucking vile, lewd, deceitful kid I have ever met. His eyes are cold, and his words are always sharp. There’s something about him though that I can’t put my finger on, and I want to find out what it is. That and he taste like blood when I kiss his lips. I miss Paul, and I want to talk to him, but I know he’s upset with me so I think I’ll just stay away from him for a few days…. You know, just until all this shite clears out. However long that may take, I don’t know.

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 05:52:08 GMT

Why is Paul being such a slag? Why couldn't he just tell me that he fancied that Bob kid. It's not bothering me, if that's what you think. Because it's not. And I'm not pissed off at the moment. I just happen to be royally pissed off. So I'm going to smoke a fag and pout inside of my bed until I figure out some way to positivly take out my anger.

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 00:33:08 GMT

I guess to start off with my name is Nicholas A. McCarthy and I swear to gott if you call me that I will in deed pitch a fit. I guess you can say that I don't have a clue what I'm going to do in life besides sing, my voice is heavenly, isn't it? I would sing for you, but you're paper, and you cannot respond back. My best mates are Paul, even though he is the ultimate slag, and Alex.

Speaking of Alex, I worry about him alot. He...he seems very distant lately, very pale, very sick.

But on a lighter note I'm madly in love with Parker. Parker, Parker, Parker. I could say his name forever, but then that'd be a waste of time. Too bad he is too busy with Paul's charms to notice me, but he can go and sod off for all I care. This fuckin' entry is too long, so I'm going to stop. I hate English Assignments.